Sunday, March 22, 2009

Middle School

My computer recently incurred some health issues. I had to use an old, fat machine that overheated a lot and contained a few had a floppy disk drive. I hadn't seen one of those since my freshman year of high school. I had been hoarding a few, not able to throw them away because they contained the contents of my first computer. I'm pleased to present to you, Wendy French & Amanda Smith writing notes to each other out of boredom in Middle School.

The Beginning of our story telling...

Quick! Quick! Save the monkeys they are drowning! The Puertoricans are drowning them in cough syrup! I think Pinocchio is in there too! Don't kill the wooden boy! Save him with this cow condom!

The bear! the bear! It's loose! Oh Jesus Christ of Ladder day Saints! The Mormans are coming and they've got Snow White under captive. The dwarves too! Oh God help us all!

Quick go get daddy, Scarlett was eating muffins and she started sneezing her head off! She can't stop! Daddy's on the hill screwing the cows! Go get him! She can't stop sneezing! Her nose will blow up and kill us all especially Jon Micheal Montgomery! He's so sensitive especially to sneezing!

The corndogs! The corndogs are stuck! President Clinton is here! Bring out the danishes! Bring out the caviar! Bring out the fish eggs! Hillary is most welcome here! Her husband too! Oh look! They brought Al! And Woody Woodpecker. He's going to drill a hole in the floor! Oh God help us all!

Quick! That little girl in the "Self-esteem" video is raping people! Did I mention she is beautiful?! She raped Dexter and she is headed for Emmet! He is in danger!

When are you going to give away that puppy?

Mama! Mama ruined the cornbread! That cornbread meant more to me than life itself! Let's get Ian to shake my damn hand because I'm Courtney and stick mama in the oven for rurnin'(southern form of saying ruining) the cornbread that was sacred to me! Quick go get the whore and Ian! He will shake my hand because I am Courtney and I have the power of cornbread of my past!

What's the story Morning Glory?

It's the little things that kill

Emmet is my beautiful son
What do you think about these curtains?
I'm thinking of becoming a detective.
the first words out of my mouth were:
"Hey, I've got a pencil. What am I diong with this?"
It's a short bus into a tragic kngdom. Some of the greatest works of art are recycled. What did Paul say C-ya later? Tell him to compose himself(milk has vitamin D ya know)
ya, he knows
I'll take the fifth amendment on that one.

Christopher Columbus and Davy Croket have gotten into a fight! And it is over Chelsey Clinton! They want her hand in marriage but she loves only one! Ricki Lake! But Ricki loves Oprah! Oprah loves O.J.! And O.J. loves orange juice! And orange juice loves no one! The damn bastard!

Hark! Ricki and Oprah have gotten into a fight! They hate each other because Ricki loves Scott from yesterday's show and he only wants her for sex. The old pimp.

Quick! The mexicans are invading O.J. Simpson's children's playhouses! They are taking hostages! They have taken Ms. Rhodes and most of the jungle animals! They say they are mad because the soft serve ice cream machine in Mexico City Texaco is broken! I feel their pain!

It's gonna fall. Oh goodness, the disk is gonna fall. O.J. isn't getting the trial he didn't deserve. Nichole is haunting her children. Ron Goldman turned into a cow and attacked O.J. with a pencil.

Oh help! The monkeys have come with giant tacos to kill the Austrailians! They are mad because Taco Bell crossed the border! They are going to chop off the Austrailian people's heads and use them as tomatoes!

Help! There are Muslims attacking the Carribeian! Two-year-old Frances Bean seems to be the leader! Opps! She has been knocked down by a Japanese native! She is crying and yelling for Steven Tylor! She said until he gets there the Pope is hers!

The floppy disk just jumped out of the computer! It is attacking Jamie with a corndog! Jason has just turned into a cow and he's holding a pencil and singing about squashed bannanas! I'm in danger!

Attention: O.J. Simpson has just sneezed in the courtroom! Oh that is not good for the defense!

Help! Captain Cook is being held captive by Ronald McDonald and the little hamburgers! They said they would squirt catsup on him if he didn't jump around and act like an onion ring!

George and his chiuahaha friends are in my pool drowning Ian with mechanical pencils and bannanas! He must be in pain! I feel his pain!

Help! Help! The tractor is possesed! Go get Emmet! Oh he is floating down the Nile River with Patrick again.(you figure it out) He is the only one who can help! The tractor just killed Tim McGraw. I guess he's not an Indian Outlaw anymore.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Rob Blagojevich Dream

So I've had this terrible cold for about three weeks now...well, I had it for one week, got better, then got sick again. It's been awful. I had to stay home two days from work and got cabin fever and went a little crazy, played the Sims a lot (thanks, Mark). Now my Sim, Kathleen Hanna, is really doing well in the music industry, but I'm sick of being sick.

I've been hitting the Mucinex during the day and NyQuil at night. My grandma, Peg, will not take NyQuil as it makes her have crazy dreams. I should have heeded her warnings.

The other night I had a dream that my boss, Bud, the quirky old man from New Haven, CT who doesn't wear socks, had requested that I take a couple hundred dollars from him, go to the air port, pick up Rob Blagojevich and take him to the Men's Warehouse for a "change of clothes." My immediate reaction was that I had to go get Mark from work and have him tag along. It just wouldn't be right otherwise.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Ron Paul Dream

I had a dream that I met Ron Paul last night. We were in this trashed up tiny dorm room just like in that YouTube video (Although I don't recall if that particular dorm room was trashed). He asked me why I didn't vote for him and I told him that I'd given him a chance, I was all ears at that rally last fall, I'd heard good things from friends, but I just thought he was full of empty rhetoric…just like the kid who runs for class president promising longer recesses and no homework. I told him that I felt he was a good earnest man, but I just couldn't believe him. I did thank him for not costing me or my country our president.

This is interesting to me, because lots of people say the same thing about Barak Obama…that he's full of idealistic ideas that he could never make reality. I think we all, myself included, only hear what we want to hear in any candidate. I used to like John McCain. I considered him Republican Lite. I remember thinking that it would be a dream election if he was the Republican candidate, because I wouldn't be too upset if he was my president…then he started to change and by the end I didn't recognize him at all.

I know Obama isn't perfect, but he's my guy. His popup book ears are endearing and his ability to communicate, not only effectively, but eloquently, is encouraging. We knew he would probably be elected, but I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop…for the bottom to fall out just like it did in 2000. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if Gore got to actually occupy the office he was elected to? & the fact that TN didn't support him makes me want to move out of this place. I know we're a red state, but geez. There's no excuse.

I work in a very close-knit Christian University and I knew I'd be walking in to a lot of sad faces on November 6th. I tried my very hardest not to gloat, because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me (as has happened to me in the past) had the election gone the other way. Parking here is a nightmare and the faculty and staff are relegated to the high school football field to park and we have to be shuttled in every morning. Well, that morning the bus was totally silent. When we were getting off the bus, the driver said, "Y'all have a good day no matter how much you might not want to." I swear, this is cheesy as all hell, but I stopped and told him that today, regardless of what happened with work, would be one of the best days of my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. For the first time in my life, I'm a part of the majority…the moral majority, my friends. & it feels great. I've never felt patriotic a day in my life until now.

(I know I said I wasn't going to gloat, but I did have to call my grandmother Peg. I waited about an hour after the decision was called. She had promised me that she wouldn't vote. We had several lengthy discussions about it, but she did vote. She and my Papaw both. I was so pissed. I seriously considered cutting contact with her for a while. I asked her what she based her vote on and she said, "religion." "Can you elaborate on that?" to which she replied, "They say if Obama gets it, it's the death of Israel." I immediately said my "bye, love you" and hung up. Well, I called her on election night and told her to get out all her pictures and ephemera from Israel and kiss it all goodbye, because come morning, that terrorist was going to wipe it off the map. She laughed and called me a "shit ass" and our relationship was rectified.)